Wear Clothes That Fit

At "The Camp", all the parking spots are labeled with really preachy, condescending messages like "eat your vegetables" "breath" "do yoga" etc. One of them- the most annoying, in my opinion- is "wear clothes that fit." It always seemed so... presumptuous.
And bossy.


But I kind of get it now.

Last night at work I was wearing my new purple tights that I got on sale. They didn't have my size, but I decided that the measurements looked close enough, it would be worth it for the price. Sure, they were a little snug, but they're tights! Tights are tight.

And then I bent down to shelve some books. And I hear a rrrrrriiiippp. My butt was, apparently, too much for these little tights, and split right in the seat. I get that tights rip, but I have the next size up in a different color, and I've had them for over 6 months... after dozens of wears, there isn't so much as a snag. This was the SECOND time I'd worn the tights, and the first time out of the house. And they now have a hole in the ass.

So the next time I suspect that something is not ready for this jelly, I will listen to my instincts and "wear clothes that fit."

But still, screw that snooty parking spot.

Nice Guys

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That isn't being nice. That's just wearing a nice sweater.
Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't.

The Nice Guy (TM)

So, I know the whole idea of the "Nice Guy" has been really played out, but I thought it would be fun to amass some quotes that encapsulate this bizarre, frustrating phenomenon. But first, a definition of the Nice Guy:

It's the guy who's always complaining that "nice guys finish last," that women only like assholes, that they're always stuck in the "friend zone," that they would treat her so much better than her crappy boyfriend. They attempt to prove this by always "being there" for her, by making themselves as nonthreatening as possible, all the while assuming that eventually, she will come to her senses and bone him instead! Because he's so nice!!

From Gawker:

"He is a Sneaky Nice Guy Lover, the kind who lets you cry on your shoulder, then cops a feel. He will listen to you whine about your mean ex-boyfriend and say you deserve someone better, someone who will respect you—someone like him. You will fall for it because you like to be flattered. You will lead him on under the guise of "platonic friends." Maybe you will use the phrase "like a brother." But notice how he never denies the relationship; he will let the rumor mill churn. He will linger in the background, floating like a ghost in the corner of photographs. He will put up with your tomfoolery and juvenile antics because he knows that, if he waits long enough, in a moment of weakness you will cave in. Then he will make you his sneaky needy fuck buddy, or his sneaky needy girlfriend, or his sneaky needy wife."

From "I Don't Care About Your Band" by Julie Klausner:

"The ultimate emo-boy fantasy is to meet a nerdy, cute girl just like him, and nobody else will realize she's pretty."

From Jezebel commenter:

"Nice Guys also never leave you alone after breaking up with you because they need to make sure that they are, indeed, very nice and not just another asshole, so they ask for forgiveness over and over in a really condescending, self-indulging way, so you remember that they're nice? Nice Guys need to be have their Niceness validated all the time."

From "Towards a Performance Model of Sex" by Thomas Macaulay Millar:

"Their entire worldview depends on the commodity model, and on a corollary view of their own entitlement: that there must be some 'proper' way for them to act and 'get' sex; that if they do all the 'right' things, they will unlock the lock and get laid. By contrast, do musicians really think that if they just do the right things, someone must form a band with them?"

(To be honest, there are probably a lot of musicians that think that)

In closing, some warning signs for ladies (and men) out there. Nice Guys:
1. Are the ones that think strippers actually like them
2. Refer to themselves as a "nice guy"
3. Will try to make you feel like a horrible person/guilt trip you when you eventually reject them
4. Refer to ex girlfriends as "crazy bitches" and assure you that you're "so different" than them. (note: "crazy bitch" is generally code for "has opinions")


More to come, I'm sure.

Vegan Shiz

It's been hard being vegan lately for some reason. I guess eating in general has been boring/uninspired because I never have time to make anything new or fun. But I just got http://www.amazon.com/Viva-Vegan-Authentic-Fabulous-Recipes/dp/0738212733

And hopefully this weekend deliciousness will commence!

Until then, here are some recipes that are satisfying and reliable. And easy.

Cheezy Sauce
(Makes 1 cup-1 1/2 cups of sauce)
3/4 c nutritional yeast
2/3-3/4 c nondairy milk
1/8 c soy sauce
1/2 tsp mustard
1/4 c nondairy FAT
(Earth Balance margarine is good!)
hot sauce if you like
spices n shit (garlic powder, paprika to taste)

Okay so you just put all that in a glass measuring cup and pop it in the microwave. I usually do 45 seconds at a time until it gets hot, stirring in between. You don't want to zap it for too long at any time because the fat could refuse to incorporate back in and that's just gross.

You can use this on basically anything. Pasta, veggies, crackers, lasagna, pizza... I've done it all, and it is all amazing. Nutritional yeast is weird but delicious and important!! You'll get tons of B vitamins which you need, otherwise your brain will stop working. Everyone who has had this sauce agrees that it is
1. really good
2. nothing like cheese
hence the "z". Duh.

Chickpea Salad
(makes a lot, but not so much that I can't finish it in one sitting, right out of the bowl.)
1 15 oz can chickpeas/garbanzo beans
2 tbs vegenaise
1 tbs nutritional yeast (optional)
1 tsp mustard
2 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp paprika (smoked is best)
1/2 tsp salt

Mix everything together, then mash the chickpeas with a potato masher or fork. Forks are fine but there is probably something in your kitchen drawer that will do a better job. This is from veganyumyum except I use half the vegenaise because good lord, you do not need 4 tbs of vegenaise ever. It's a really adaptable recipe; I almost never use lemon juice because I almost never have it, and sometimes I leave the yeast out for the same reason. However, there really isn't any substitute for the mayo. If you're not vegan, this would probably work just as well with regular mayo, but I can't vouch for that. All I know is that this tastes/feels a LOT like tuna salad, and it's great for open face sandwiches. I've even baked it on top of pasta. And, you know, just eaten it out of the bowl.

Pesto, or: The Best Food Ever
(Makes 1 1/2 cups)
3 cups basil leaves
1/2 cup cashews (or your favorite nut)
1/3-1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup nutritional yeast (optional)
2-3 cloves garlic
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
2 tsp lemon juice

You really need a food processor or blender for this, but if you have one it's just a matter of dropping the ingredients in and watching them spin around! It's kind of tricky to find the right order, but I like doing this: leaves, garlic, cashews, then add everything except the oil. Make sure it's all combined and then add the oil 1/4 cup at a time. Personally I think 1/2 cup of oil is a little insane, I usually end up using closer to 1/3 of a cup. This is adapted from "Vegan with a Vengeance"... biggest difference is mine is raw because you don't toast any nuts. Also, I've tried a few different kinds but cashews are the best... I know they're pricey but cashews are always worth it. This pesto is bright, creamy and you will want to put it on everything. Try it on:
pasta (of course)
toast
sandwiches
pizza
a spoon

Whew, okay. Well ANYWAY if you don't like those you should try these recipes from Sigor Ros. Raw, and adorable. http://download.jonsiandalex.com/jonsiandalex-recipebook.pdf

Hello World!

Been meaning to do this for a while.

Have yet to discover if this will be pop culture, or just my shtupid musings. Or maybe, as has always been my hope, it'll be a recipe/pop culture blog COMBINED.

Like, Adventure Time cake or something.

If this doesn't happen DON'T BE MAD I AM A VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS WOMAN and I have many important things to do.

Like list some dead people that I'm attracted to.







(I actually don't know that she's dead, but oh my lord who cares)

Also, an explanation of "She My Mother's Cat" to kick things off (This is not a technical definition of the phrase, only how I've seen it used!) :

You're talking about someone who's in the room as if they're not there, like they're a fucking cat who can't speak for themselves. I hate this. And I experience it on the regular.

I don't want to call anyone out specifically, but I can think of at least three separate (very recent!) occasions in which someone was talking to my lad and referred to me as if
1. I wasn't standing right next to him.
2. I wouldn't be able to answer for myself.

An example: Is she the reason you're leaving early?

It is so condescending/infuriating, and I'm always too flabbergasted to react properly. So She My Mother's Cat is a way of saying "Uh, hey, over here!"

It's go time.