Nice Guys

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That isn't being nice. That's just wearing a nice sweater.
Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't.

The Nice Guy (TM)

So, I know the whole idea of the "Nice Guy" has been really played out, but I thought it would be fun to amass some quotes that encapsulate this bizarre, frustrating phenomenon. But first, a definition of the Nice Guy:

It's the guy who's always complaining that "nice guys finish last," that women only like assholes, that they're always stuck in the "friend zone," that they would treat her so much better than her crappy boyfriend. They attempt to prove this by always "being there" for her, by making themselves as nonthreatening as possible, all the while assuming that eventually, she will come to her senses and bone him instead! Because he's so nice!!

From Gawker:

"He is a Sneaky Nice Guy Lover, the kind who lets you cry on your shoulder, then cops a feel. He will listen to you whine about your mean ex-boyfriend and say you deserve someone better, someone who will respect you—someone like him. You will fall for it because you like to be flattered. You will lead him on under the guise of "platonic friends." Maybe you will use the phrase "like a brother." But notice how he never denies the relationship; he will let the rumor mill churn. He will linger in the background, floating like a ghost in the corner of photographs. He will put up with your tomfoolery and juvenile antics because he knows that, if he waits long enough, in a moment of weakness you will cave in. Then he will make you his sneaky needy fuck buddy, or his sneaky needy girlfriend, or his sneaky needy wife."

From "I Don't Care About Your Band" by Julie Klausner:

"The ultimate emo-boy fantasy is to meet a nerdy, cute girl just like him, and nobody else will realize she's pretty."

From Jezebel commenter:

"Nice Guys also never leave you alone after breaking up with you because they need to make sure that they are, indeed, very nice and not just another asshole, so they ask for forgiveness over and over in a really condescending, self-indulging way, so you remember that they're nice? Nice Guys need to be have their Niceness validated all the time."

From "Towards a Performance Model of Sex" by Thomas Macaulay Millar:

"Their entire worldview depends on the commodity model, and on a corollary view of their own entitlement: that there must be some 'proper' way for them to act and 'get' sex; that if they do all the 'right' things, they will unlock the lock and get laid. By contrast, do musicians really think that if they just do the right things, someone must form a band with them?"

(To be honest, there are probably a lot of musicians that think that)

In closing, some warning signs for ladies (and men) out there. Nice Guys:
1. Are the ones that think strippers actually like them
2. Refer to themselves as a "nice guy"
3. Will try to make you feel like a horrible person/guilt trip you when you eventually reject them
4. Refer to ex girlfriends as "crazy bitches" and assure you that you're "so different" than them. (note: "crazy bitch" is generally code for "has opinions")


More to come, I'm sure.